Life’s not fair, people. Anyone who says differently is selling something.
Conservatives: What hideous sin have you committed lately?
America: I got him re-elected. I didn’t want to. It all happened so fast.
Conservatives: Never happened.
America: But it did. I was there. This old man said it did.
Conservatives: Did you check “Barack Obama?”
America: Uh, no. We sort of skipped that part.
Conservatives: Then he’s not re-elected. If you didn’t mark it, you didn’t do it. Wouldn’t you agree, Your Highness?
Barack Obama: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first. To the fair!
Conservatives: No! To the free.
Barack Obama:I don’t think I’m quite familiar with that phrase.
Conservatives: I’ll explain. And I’ll use non-PC words I’m not sure you can understand, you fascist-faced communist.
Barack Obama: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
Conservatives: It won’t be the last. To the free means the first thing you will lose will be your job within the Beltline. Then your mandate in Obamacare, next your pose.
Barack Obama: And then my friend, I suppose. I beat you too quickly the last time, a mistake I don’t mean to duplicate tonight.
Conservatives: We weren’t finished. The next thing you will lose will be your right wing, followed by your left.
Barack Obama: And then my iPad, I understand, let’s get on with it.
Conservatives: Wrong! Your iPad you keep, and we’ll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your economic mess will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your “choice,” every blogger that types out “Dear God, what is that thing?” will scroll across your perfect iPad. That is what “to the free” means. It means we leave you in anguish, wallowing in PR misery for ever.
Barack Obama: I think you’re bluffing.
Conservatives: It’s possible, donkey. We might be bluffing. It’s conceivable, you fiscally hemorrhaging mass, we’re only lying here because we lack the strength to vote. Then again, perhaps we have the strength after all.